Oh my goodness, Pat. God is doing a major work in my heart during our weekly girl gathering.
Our discussions have made me feel like the Holy Spirit needs to do laser surgery on my heart and remove any judgment or pride that might have a chance to eat away at my soul, and ruin my witness. I am feeling much like Paul today and thinking of his words “Why do I do what I don’t want to, and what I want to do, I don’t do?”
I want to just love, love, love, and for everyone to feel the freedom that I feel in obeying “my interpretation” of God’s word, but I am afraid that all I seem to be emanating to others is judgment and condemnation. I spent all morning in the Psalms just crying and praying that He would do what He says He will do in Psalms 139:24, “search my heart Oh God and see if there is any offensive way in me”, and in 51:10, create in me a clean heart, and renew a right spirit within me.
I am praying the words of Romans 14 for a transformed heart, that I would not simply read what I believe, but believe what I read… that HIS truth would go deep in me and that I would learn to walk in love, not condemnation toward others.
I honestly don’t think I’ve ever felt so surrendered and open before.
With the list of sin I could give you from my past 32 years, and the true freedom I am certain is mine, I don’t want anything to come between Jesus and me at this point. I don’t want anything between His commandments and me.
Our Tuesday night group is causing me to take a step back and let God speak to my heart. I am having the hardest time discerning truth from my flesh, other’s comments and Satan jumping on the bandwagon with it all.
I am thankful, so very thankful, to have you as godly counsel through this – I don’t know what it would look like if you weren’t there to keep us on track on Tuesday nights – if we’re on track, whatever that is… I am also glad God is giving us a break next week and more time to just rest in Him and let Him speak to each of us.
I am overwhelmed (to put it mildly) about this new journey we are on but excited in a James 1 sort of way that I am going through this faith trial to develop perseverance and maturity – and finally, completeness. I feel so lacking.
OK, the kids and I were supposed to leave for the park 15 minutes ago, right after your email came, but I just had to write you right now, or I never would have gotten out the raw emotion that I am feeling. Thanks for listening, and for your gentle encouragement. I am so blessed to be growing – as hard and painful as this is. I can’t wait for the next level. It’s always better than the one before.
Thank you darling Ann. I am going to miss not having group this week.
Can I get a witness from any of our sweet young sisters out there?
Anyone else having some heart surgery? OR Singing this same song??